The Ultimate Sports Road Trip visits Whole Foods

If you ever want to get everyone’s knot in a bun over at BuffaloElmwood Rising, all you have to do is merely mention the prospect of Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods or IKEA coming to Buffalo.

A recent thread on the topic of the two grocers generated hundreds of comments and debate, with the comedic value of the replies raising the bar on the laugh meter that’s how ridiculous the discussion was.

So on our trip to California last week, Pete and I decided to drop in to a Whole Foods, the one in Manhattan Beach, and see for ourselves what all the fuss was about. Here is what we found.

To begin with, this supermarket prides itself on selling “organic foods” and “locally grown products”, wearing that mantra like a badge of honor. Since Pete is all about orange cupcakes from Hostess and Mighty Taco, and I am the generic burger and potatoes guy, this wasn’t exactly nirvana.

The store was really nicely appointed… I mean really nice. Ferns and plants everywhere, decorative mood lighting, mosaic stone tiled floors, nice signage. The place looked really swank.

But our first problem was trying to find stuff we actually wanted to eat. Everything was granola, tuscan couscous, wheat pasta made with strained Jerusalem flour, gingerberry soy sauce, meat and dairy free pizza (what’s the point then?), dried fruit and cage free eggs.

And the prices?! No wonder some call this place “Whole Paycheck”. Ground beef at $9.99/lb put this place totally over the top for me.

The beer aisle offered only the most exotic of imports – Pale Sri Lankan Ale, Ichiban Beer, all in bottles where you have to scrape off the colorful tin foil just to get to the cap. But in deference to the Philistines, we did spot Bud Light and Coors among the choices. Oh how the purists must have howled!

The store had a separate Wine Bar and a Tea Bar, where shoppers and visitors could lounge and enjoy their favorite brand of domestic vintage or far flung pekoe. I offered to Pete that we perhaps share a pot of Indian Darjeeling Black Tea served with a cinnamon stick and a sprig of nutmeg, a strong malty brew with light and complex muscatel flavors and flowery aromas. ($8.99 to share, and no matter who exotic you name this stuff, at the end of the day it’s still a pot of hot water with a tea bag hanging out of it).

Pete declined my generous offer despite my persistence, and I then just blurted this out “This is undoubtedly the gayest moment EVER on the Ulitmate Sports Road Trip!” Yeah, two guys exploring dried fruits and wine bars at a Whole Foods probably isn’t going to make it to an ESPN commercial anytime soon.

Now the sad news for the Hipsters, the BRO family of posters and the Elmwood Village Association. If something like Whole Foods actually makes it to our region, you will most likely see it out on Transit and Maple. Don’t hold your breath that they will be taking up residence in the former Latina’s space anytime in our lifetime.

It was time to leave. We scurried out of Whole Foods on a warm California afternoon to continue our day long sightseeing. Being accosted by a Lyndon LaRouche campaign worker on the way out, passing out brochures and pleading for a contribution put a fitting exclamation point to the whole experience.