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BRAAAAA!!! RAAAAAA!!!! SCHEDULE! FOOTBALL!!! grrrr!!

OK, that’s some what sarcastic. Sorry, but anyone who watched ESPN’s three hour special on the schedule, needs to go outside and find a girlfriend…please. Obviously, we know that when we say “Hey, this schedule looks easy or hard” in April, we are probably going to be left bewildered by October. There are always 6-8 surprises each year. Teams on the rise end up falling back to Earth. Teams that were Super Bowl bound don’t even make the playoffs.

Teams left for dead end up making a run. For that, there’s no need for a 3-hour ESPN discussion in April. What are you going to analyze? THE TEAMS HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN BUILT YET! I just miss the days when you’d just get those Key Bank or Super Dupper schedule magnets and stick it on the Refrigerator.

Anyways, here is the schedule with some snark, stats and I’ll probably predict a win or two. Yes, I’m totally joining the cool click and working my hypocritical magic. Screw it. I’m having fun and feel like blogging about something not called the draft.

WEEK 01

New York Jets

@ New York Jets

Sun, 09/09 at 1:00 PM EDT

Away: MetLife Stadium

  • Last time the Bills opened the season against the Jets was in 1986 (Kelly’s 1st game).
  • Since 2002, The Bills have only won three times in NY.
  • Last time the Bills beat the Jets in NYC NJ was in 2009. You remember that epic Sanchez 6INT game, right?
  • Best Bills/Jets game: Gotta be Kelly to Mueller in the back of the end zone in 1990.
  • Random stat: Mario Williams has two career sacks against the Jets.
  • This game scares me. I know the trend is that we need to crap all over the Jets because they have Tebow and the team is imploding, but cue the squid guy from Return of The Jedi…ITS A TRAP! We just haven’t always matched up well against Rex Ryan’s teams. Anyways, it is possible we can beat them, but let’s not get all arrogant now.

Week 02

Kansas City Chiefs

Kansas City Chiefs

Sun, 09/16 at 1:00 PM EDT

Home: Ralph Wilson Stadium

  • Home opener? Eh. Old AFL Game, right?
  • This is the 5th year in a row the Bills have played the Chiefs (Bills are 4-1 against them). What the hell, wasn’t Cleveland available?
  • Best Chiefs/Bills game: Gotta be ’93 AFC Title game. A lot of people picked the Chiefs because they were sick of us ruining the Super Bowl. SCREW YOU! We knocked Montana out of the game and Thurman had like 180 yards. Oh…and we ruined the SB..again.
  • Random stat: Brian Moorman has averaged 46 yards a punt against the Chiefs throughout his career.
  • KC stinks. They are like the castoffs from New England with their coach, GM and QB. They should just call them The Devitos (Twins joke)

Week 03

Cleveland Browns

 @ Cleveland Browns

 Sun, 09/23 at 1:00 PM EDT

 Away: Cleveland Browns Stadium

  • There’s Cleveland! God, how awful was that 6-3 game in 2009?
  • The Bills have scored three offensive touchdowns in their last four games against the Browns.
  • Best Bills/Browns game: Gotta be the revenge game in 1990. I hated the Browns with the wrath of 200 King Jofferys (Game of Thornes) after Ronnie Harmon dropped the ball in the crushing ’89 divisional playoff game. I wanted blood and we got it in the rematch. We embarrassed their asses by a score of 42-0. It was awesome! Browns benched Kosar and fired their coach after the game. No joke.
  • Random stat: Fred Jackson has averaged 54.4 yards rushing a game against the Browns.
  • The Browns are terrible. Mike Holmgren should have picked up the phone during the Bills coach search of 2009.

Week 04

New England Patriots

New England Patriots

Sun, 09/30 at 1:00 PM EDT

Home: Ralph Wilson Stadium

  • One day! I swear! We will end the streak! What? Oh, right. We ended it. Wohooo!!
  • The Bills haven’t beaten New England in back-to-back years at home since the ’99 and 2000 season.
  • Best Bills/Pats game: Um, I think you can figure that out.
  • Random stat: Stevie Johnson has 21 catches for 273 yards and 3 touchdowns against NE.
  • I love how we are playing the Pats the first time around at home once again, but I don’t think I have the guts to pick against them.

Week 05

San Francisco 49ers

@ San Francisco 49ers

 Sun, 10/07 at 4:15 PM EDT

 Away: Candlestick Park

  • Cue up the Donte Whitner Twitter hate
  • Best 49ers/Bills game: Gotta be the “No Punt” game. Probably a top 5 game in team history. Check Youtube out if you wanna see the game.
  • Random stat: Chris Kelsay has 1 sack against the 49ers in his career.
  • Result: Upset special! I love the 49ers skill position guys, but I’m not a fan of Alex Smith. I know he had a great game against the Saints in the playoffs, but the guy is nothing more than a game manager.

Week 06

Arizona Cardinals

@ Arizona Cardinals

Sun, 10/14 at 4:05 PM EDT

Away: University of Phoenix Stadium

  • I don’t understand why we are going back to Arizona. In 2008, we played there and normally when you meet again in four years, you switch venues. Did we lose a coin toss or something? (Coach Sal tweeted that the NFL made a rule saying you can’t play at SEA and SF in same year if playing NFCW to help ease travel.)
  • Chris Kelsay, Stevie Johnson, Rian Lindell, Brian Moorman, Fred Jackson and Leodis McKelvin are the only players still left from the game in 2008 against the Cards. 
  • Best Bills/Card game: First ever game I went to was against the Cardinals in 1990. It was awesome! There was snow, sleet, rain and high winds. Seriously, I don’t even think the Starks from Game of Thrones could have survived it. It was also the game in which Rich Camerillo punted the ball backwards. It was awesome! 
  • Random stat: Shawne Merriman is the only Bills player with a sack against the Cardinals (1 in 2006 against Kurt Warner). Bonus: Stevie Johnson’s first NFL catch came against the Cards.
  • Result: This will be a tough game. More than likely, I can see the Bills staying out west for a 2nd straight week. Anyways, the Cards do scare me a little because they came on strong at the end of last year. However, I have more confidence in Fitz than Corn Kolb/Skeletor.

Week 07

Tennessee Titans

Tennessee Titans

Sun, 10/21 at 1:00 PM EDT

Home: Ralph Wilson Stadium

  • Did you know that the Bills have only beaten the Titans once since they left Houston? Well, now you do. They are 1-6 since the Titans bolted Houston.
  • Best Titans/Bills game: Best game I ever went to was actually the only game we beat them. It was the 2000 Season opener and it was on Sunday night. The atmosphere was electric as both teams were coming off the Music City Miracle and the crowd had revenge on their minds. We won 16-14, but the best moment came when Ruben Brown was introduced and he chucked his helemt like 10 yards in the air. Seriously, it looked like the end of Braveheart when that Scottish guy launched his sword through the air and it landed perfectly. The Titans finished the season with a 13-3 record and looking back, it was probably in the top 3 for most impressive wins for the Bills during the decade.
  • Random stat: Fred Jackson has one touchdown for his career against the Titans…and it was a pass to Lee Evans. 
  • Result: I don’t even know why we’ve been this bad against the Titans. Alright, us sucking has something to do with it, but Tennesse isn’t exactly a franchise to be reckon with, right?

Week 08

Bye

 

Week 09

Houston Texans

@ Houston Texans

Sun, 11/04 at 1:00 PM EST

 Away: Reliant Stadium

  • Return to the place where JP Losman’s legacy was born. JP TO PRICE! TOUCHDOWN! Franchise QB! ugh! That was the last time we played in Houston.
  • Best Texans/Bills game: Well, you could say the comeback game, but its a different franchise. I’ll go with the 2002 game when we beat the Texans, 31-24. It was when we all thought Bledsoe was the savior.
  • Random stat: Ryan Fitzpatrick first home start for Buffalo came against the Texans. He was terrible. 15/23 for 117 yards and two picks. We lost..obviously.
  • Mario Williams homecoming, huh? I like the Texans in this one. Just too much firepower and they still have a top tier defense even without Mario.

Week 10

New England Patriots

@ New England Patriots

Sun, 11/11 at 1:00 PM EST

Away: Gillette Stadium

  • Eh! Haven’t won in New England since 2000. We beat them 16-13 in OT. Do you know who scored the only touchdown for us? Flutie to Riemersma. Future Broadcaster to Future congressman.
  • Random stat: The most touchdowns Fitz has thrown against one team in the NFL are the Pats (7). Um, guess which team he’s also thrown the most INTs to? Um, yeah…that would be 12 picks.
  • Yeah…Second time around against the hoodie normally means we are fu#$ed.

WEEK 11

Miami Dolphins

Miami Dolphins

Thu, 11/15 at 8:20 PM EST

Home: Ralph Wilson Stadium

  • I’m a mark for primetime games. Yes, it’s on a Thursday night on a network that half of America doesn’t get, but seeing RWS at night and seeing the crazy nut jobs in the crowd gives me goosebumps. However, the Bills suck on Primetime! They haven’t won at 8pm or 8:30pm or 8:15pm since 2001 against the Jags! They have gone 0-9 since! Losses against the 49ers, Dolphins, Chiefs, Pats, Pats, Cowboys, Pats, Pats and Jets.
  • Random stat: Chris Kelsay’s six sacks versus Miami are the most he’s had against any team…Great..give him another extension!
  • Best Miami/Bills game: hmmmmmmmmm…That’s a tough one. They were all so good during the 90s. I think the season opener in 1991 was the best. Kelly went over 300 yards and Thurman went over 100 yards receiving and rushing. Tell me where you can find that again in team history.
  • THE PRIMETIME CURSE ENDS! SQUISH THE FISH

WEEK 12

Indianapolis Colts

 @ Indianapolis Colts

Sun, 11/25 at 1:00 PM EST

Away: Lucas Oil Stadium

  • Jim Irsay is one weird dude.
  • Last time the Bills beat the Colts in Indy was 1999. It was when Johnson separated his rib cartilage (Seriously? If that wasn’t an omen for RJ being injury prone, I don’t know what else you can throw at me. Who the hell separates rib cartilage?) and Flutie came in. In fact, they have only played there once since 2001.
  • Random stat: Fred Jackson’s best game as a pro came against the Colts B-team in 2009.
  • Best Colts/Bills game: hmmm…Even when they were in the same division for all those years, it never felt special. I guess when Bennett knocked Jeff George out of the game during his first career start? How about when Paup killed Paul Justin in Indy during the ’95 season? Yeah…I don’t really have one.
  • No way we lose against the Colts.

WEEK 13

Jacksonville Jaguars

Jacksonville Jaguars

Sun, 12/02 at 1:00 PM EST

Home: Ralph Wilson Stadium

  • Mike Mularkey and Lee Evans homecoming, huh? Doubt Mike will being going to public schools to make speeches, right? The Jags are just so utterly boring.
  • The all-time record when these two teams get together…drum roll…5-5…THIS IS THE EQUALIZER!
  • Random stat: Rian Lindell has 58 points against the Jags for his career. 
  • Best Bills/Jags game: Gotta be Flutie rolling right for the gamewinner. It is too bad that game wasn’t on TV! Seriously, you could make a piece on awesome Bills games that weren’t sold out. It really was the start of Flutiemania.
  • No way we lose against the Jags. Mularkey? I wonder if he will say that “if you beat the Bills…you beat Buffalo” again like he did when he was the OC in Miami. 

 WEEK 14

St. Louis Rams

St. Louis Rams

Sun, 12/09 at 1:00 PM EST

Home: Ralph Wilson Stadium

  • Did you know the Bills have never lost to the Rams since they moved to St. Louis? They are 4-0 against them since they peaced out of LA. The Bills had four different QBs starting those games: Kelly, Johnson, Bledsoe and Edwards.
  • In fact, the Bills haven’t loss to the Rams since 1983. Hmmm..Is it the Chuck Knox or Vince Ferragamo curse?
  • Best Bills/Rams game: I was only 9 at the time, but the Monday night game with the Rams being 5-0 and going up against an unknown QB in Frank Reich is easily a top 20 game in team history. The clips were on Youtube, alias, Bill Cody doesn’t exist anymore.
  • Random stat: Nick Barnett has 40 tackles and 2 sacks against the Rams for his career.
  • I don’t know why, but the Rams kind of scare me. I know they stunk last year, but how long can you be bad when you constantly get top 5 picks? Alright, there are a number of examples, but they were the cool pick last year to win the NFC West. Anyways, I’d think twice if the game was in St. Louis, but dome teams suck in the cold.

WEEK 15

Seattle Seahawks

Seattle Seahawks

Sun, 12/16 at 4:05 PM EST

Home: Rogers Centre

  • BOOOOOOOOOO TORONTO GAME! Seriously, couldn’t they give this city some entertaining teams? I wouldn’t even wanna see the Seabags. Alright, they aren’t that bad, but the star power is lacking.
  • It will be an interesting homecoming for Marshawn Lynch. He was a stud down the stretch last year (No clue why it took their coach so long to make him an every down back.). You know he will be pumped up for this one.
  • Random stat: Since they went to four team divisions in 2002, the Bills have gone 6-2 against the NFC West.
  • Best Bills/Seahawks game: Well, I just told you I wouldn’t want to see them play, right? hmmmm…I’d go with the McGahee game in 2004, when he scored 4 touchdowns and we kicked their asses. I could have also gone with the 2008 season opener, but I think getting four touchdowns in one game is better than beating a beat up Matt Hasselbeck.
  • Why did this game have to be in Toronto? If it is in Buffalo, I’d probably pick the Bills. Alas, it is in the graveyard of Toronto. Eh..screw it!

WEEK 16

Miami Dolphins

@Miami Dolphins

Sun, 12/23 at 1:00 PM EST

Away: Sun Life Stadium

  • I do wish the Miami rivalry would come back. Yes, I know most of you still hate them with all of your heart, but it is just not the same. Both franchises have been stagnant since the 90s.
  • Since 2008, the Bills have beaten Miami only once in Florida. OK, 1-3 doesn’t sound that horrible.
  • Random stat: One of Jairus Byrd’s two career sacks came against Miami. 
  • I really need to get down to Miami for a Bills game.

WEEK 17

New York Jets

New York Jets

Sun, 12/30 at 1:00 PM EST

Home: Ralph Wilson Stadium

  • The Bills haven’t beaten the Jets at home since 2007, which was Trent Edwards first start as a pro.
  • Normally, this is my Christmas game in Buffalo in which you can get tickets for like 15 bucks and see Tyler Thigpen vs. Browning Nagle. Remember when Nagle played for the Arena team?
  • Random stat: A lot has been made about the Bills playing four games at home in December and everyone is thrilled about it. “Like the dinosaurs, these teams won’t be able to handle the cold! BRRRR Blizzards! VICTORY!!!” Um, guys…that’s kind of an urban legend. Maybe I’ll agree if a dome team is coming to town, but if your team sucks, it don’t matter where you are playing. In their last 21 games at home in December/January, the Bills are 7-14. Merry Christmas.