NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Today the Republican Vice-Presidential pick Paul Ryan published the following poem to America:
This morning I was at Equinox
Getting ripped and shredded, pumped and jacked,
Cross-training with Jeremy
Who totally kicks my butt.
And I was like, “I shall not let my foes define me.”
And I was so stoked
I punched Jeremy in the face.
Who is Paul Ryan?
He can bench-press three times his weight,
Ochocinco a cinderblock in two,
Change the course of mighty rivers,
Bend steel in his bare hands,
And tug freighters with his teeth.