Forget GM; we need a Twinkie bailout!
Following up on yesterday’s piece about union goons threatening to destroy America’s access to creme-filled snacks, we are now getting reports that the hammer has dropped: Hostess is seeking liquidation, which will lead to over 18,000 jobs being lost.
Reaction has been swift: Senator John McCain, fresh from his 1st morning nap, has called for an immediate investigation:
“We will leave no stone un-turned in “Twinkie Gate”. Who knew what, and when? And why? And where am I? Who the hell are you people?” (incoherent.. than charges the nearest reporter)
Fox & Friends accursed the Obama administration of being behind it, as part of Michelle Obama’s plan to rid the country of unhealthy foods. To corroborate their claims, they point to a Drudge Report story that says the President has also ordered an unmanned drone strike on Little Debbie.
Is there a military and intelligence community aspect to this? Well, besides the recent admission of former CIA head General David Petraeus (pictured above) of having an affair with Dolly Madison, shocking revelations have come forth that Captain Cupcake has lied about his naval service.
As previously reported on Tommunisms, union goons are suspected in the death of Twinkie the Kid, whose body was found outside the abandoned county fairgrounds of Irving, Texas. Cause of death was impalement with a wooden spike, and being deep-fried and covered in powdered sugar.
Where does that leave the rest of the Hostess mascots? Surprisingly, many have already announced their plans:
- Ding Dong mascot King Dong announces return to porn industry…
- Fruit Pie the Magician signs Vegas contract, opening for Penn & Teller…
- Happy Ho Ho has taken a job at the William J. Clinton Foundation, cementing Bill’s love for unhealthy snack treats and euphemisms for prostitutes
There seems to be little hope of a solution that would save Hostess now. A government bailout would not only protect the livelihood of the 18,000 Hostess workers, but the jobs of the people who work the Hostess Bakery Thrift shops, delivery drivers, dentists, nutritionists, county fair deep-fryers, and chemical engineers, who create the wholesome things people love about Twinkies, such as sodium acid pyrophosphate and my favorite: monocalcium phosphate.
But since the ghost of Andrew Breitbart claims this is all a distraction for Benghazi, it seems at least for now, the Twinkie (and Zingers and Drake’s Cakes too, as Hostess assimilated these years ago) is truly dead…
UPDATE: In an effort to cheer him up , Hostess has announced they will hire Mitt Romney to personally handle the firings of all their workers.