Photos by Buffalo Observer

Mr. Fake,

It is an honor to be joined by you once again for our riveting conversations. First off, I want a damn mailbag or I'll be firing you. I need to get hits so I can get paid my $2 from Google ads in order to buy a 40 to watch this crap sandwich you call a hockey team. Anyways, how have you spent your time during the lockout?

Re-thinking our relationship, for one….You’ll get a Mailbag as soon as you get a Mailbag. I hope that cut on your arm is some accident and not you “Cutting for Bieber”.

1.    What role did you have in the lockout? Did your help end it?

If downloading fun apps like the one that makes skinny people look fat on my new scouting IPad had anything to do with ending the lockout, then yes, I played a major role.

2.    What do you say to the fans for not having games? Are you apologetic?

The official company position for the fans is apologetic. The only thing that both the owners and the players could agree upon during the lockout was that the entire episode was the fault of the fans. If they only told us how they wanted their billions of dollars split, it would never have lasted so long.

3.     Let's get to hockey. A lot of talk about the Sabres lack at center. What do you plan on doing to help the position?

I confided with a person in Germany about our dilemma at centre, whose opinion I respect immensely. To protect his identity I’ll refer to him as Shochen Smecht. Shochen Schmect told me we were pretty solid at center, but if we needed one for insurance, he knew the perfect player….I re-signed Jochen Hecht. Problem solved.

4.     How important is Ryan Miller for this upcoming season?

It’s easy to overlook Miller’s value when viewed in isolation, but look at Toronto, Philly, and Boston and the question marks they have in net. So how important is Millsy? Lionel Richie says it best:

“He is the sun
He is the rain
That makes my life this foolish game
He needs to know
I love him so
And I’d do it all again and again”

5.     What will happen if the Sabres miss the playoffs?

I can tell you what won’t happen: a press conference. You have to be patient; we are building a team that can contend for (insert next year here).

6. What sort of impact do you see the likes of Foligno, McNabb, Grigorenko making for the Sabres this year, if any?

The sort of impact I envision that trio having will be primarily a hockey impact, with the skating and the shooting and the scoring and the hitting…

7. Who is the team to beat in the NHL?

The Buffalo Sabres

8. Jason Pominville seemed to want to bring back Jochen Hecht. What do you say to that?

Pommers wish is my command.

9. Do you plan on fighting Mike Harrington?

You fight your critics, Joe!

10.  What advice would you give Buddy Nix since Russ Brandon is now in charge and seems to be meddling in his affairs like a certain water developer did with you?

 I’d tell them to hire a great coach, find a great goaltender, and don’t ever tug on Art Wander’s toupee.

11.  Who will be the leading scorer this year for the Sabres?

Steve Ott. Our Sabres fangirls always love the new guy and he is very outgoing. I expect him to bag quite a few this season.

12.  What is your relationship like with Lindy?

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but we are currently displaying “it’s complicated” on our pages. And it is…

13.  Why do you still have a fucken job?

I ask you the same question, but substitute “how” for “why”.

14. Oh, how do you feel about your arch-nemesis, Ryan Burke getting the boot?

His name is Brian (Editor's note: Yeah, I sent this Q&A at 2am. So, blow me). And I feel the same way I always feel when one of my inferiors gets the boot: nothing. I am made of Teflon. I am bullet-proof. Anyone who gives Timmy Connolly or Clarke Macarthur those types of contracts deserve to become a member of the media. Burkie’s going to find me even more impossible to deal with now.

Let's do word association or a sentence or two with some of our favorite people on Twitter

I hate this part…

Paul Hamilton- Great guy, bit of a close-talker.

Chris Smith- I don’t know him.

Scotty- Bowman has a Twitter?

Angry Lindy- Kind of too huggy lately.

Matthew Stewart- Sheldon Cooper. He owns you…and I love it.

Here are a few questions from Twitter:

Jimmy Markwardt ‏@jamesp716: what moves he will not be capitalizing on before the trade deadline?

I have a long list of things I plan on not doing at the deadline.

Ben Thompson ‏@Bthomp51 how is his liver feeling after 133 day of excessive drinking?

@DarcysFailingLiver is probably a Twitter account that’s right around the corner.

@DaveInRoch  pancakes or waffles?

Waffles, pancakes are for communists.