For $9.99 you can..wait, this is for free if you are first time subscribers! BTW, can WWE actually give those who have subscribed since day 1 like a John Cena t-shirt to wipe our assess with since we have been their since February of 2014? Anyways, to help me (Joe) preview this bad boy, I got the John Cena cult leader…Luke Wachob. He’ll give his hot takes in italics and I’ll do the same in regular fonts. Enjoy and please tell a wrestling fan to read this!
Neville vs. Bo Dallas
Luke: I like Bo Dallas but let’s be real: Neville is “the new sensation” while Bo is “the other Adam Rose.” One guy is getting his big debut push on the roster, and the other is sitting at the bottom of the card. It’s also just a good rule of thumb to pick the babyface in a low-stakes undercard match on pay-per-view. Neville wins clean with the Red Arrow.
Joe: It is the NXT reunion match. I love both guys for different reasons. The Bo Dallas “believe” gimmick is hilarious. Someone on Twitter once recommended that Bo should develop a submission maneuver and while placing it on opponent, he should yell to them to NOT give up. That would be funny. As for Neville, he’s awesome in the ring, but I have zero idea if he can cut a promo since he hasn’t cut one at WWE yet. Also, lose the fucking cape. You aren’t a superhero no matter how high you jump. I think Neville wins.
Elimination Chamber match for the WWE Tag Team Championship: The New Day (c), Kidd and Cesaro, the Lucha Dragons, the Prime Time Players, The Ascension, Los Matadores
Luke: Remember what you said about The New Day in our WrestleMania predictions, Joe? I believe the phrase was “The New Day is fucking horrible.” (Joe’s note: The New Day was designed to get over and when it bombed, they decided to act like this was the plan) It’s time to eat those words, and quick, before I bring back Right to Censor to clean your dirty mouth. The New Day has become one of the most entertaining acts on RAW since turning heel, and they’re my pick to win Sunday.
My thinking goes like this: as the current champs, The New Day will either retain the titles or set up a feud with Sunday’s winner. What we’re really choosing here is who they’ll fight next, and whether that team should be the champs or chasing.
Kidd and Cesaro vs. New Day has been great, but it’s also getting stale. The Ascension and Los Matadores are both a joke. You might throw Prime Time Players in that group as well, but they’ve been getting a little TV time and haven’t had a push since reuniting in February. A surprise title win and a program with The New Day could jumpstart Titus and Young. I won’t rule it out.
But I think the best path for WWE is a feud between New Day and the Lucha Dragons, who are simply better wrestlers and more popular with the crowd than PTP. Fans of NXT know that the Dragons are better as underdogs than as defending champions, so I would have Sunday’s match come down to those two teams with New Day just barely pulling out the win. Could be a great match if that’s the way it goes.
Joe: The New Day still fricken blows. This was never intended to be a heel act. This was more about Vince/Hillbilly Hayes being out of touch and thinking they could get this over like it was Men on a Mission circa 1994. Still, they are entertaining as heels, but I don’t think their shelf life is gonna last. Anyways, I think WWE really likes them as they are getting a lot of airtime for a tag team. Think about it..all the teams they are facing probably cut 2 promos in the last year. You know what would be a fun feud for the New Day? Have the Wyatt family reunite as faces and feud with them.
Elimination Chamber match for the Intercontinental Championship: Sheamus, Ryback, R-Truth, King Barrett, Rusev, Dolph Ziggler
Luke: For the second year in a row, an injury to Daniel Bryan is forcing WWE to change creative directions. It sucks, and if reports that the company wanted to elevate the importance of its secondary titles this year were true, WWE either has act fast to build a new program around the IC, or accept the title languishing in obscurity yet again.
With that in mind, Sheamus is my pick, just by process of elimination (pun intended). Rusev and Ziggler have been hinting at a feud but they’ll be fighting over something way better than the Intercontinental Championship – Lana. Barrett has nothing to gain from the title, having held it 5 times already, and has the King of the Ring gimmick going for him anyway. R-Truth has nothing going for him at all, and is 43 years old. Ryback has only ever gotten over as an unstoppable monster, so the belt has limited value for him as well.
Sheamus, on the other hand, is in the midst of his first ever heel run in the company and would be a more credible champion if WWE still wants to elevate the IC. The belt could help him and he could help the belt. And if WWE wants to build towards a champion-vs-champion match at SummerSlam, heel Sheamus versus John Cena would clearly be the way to go.
Joe: Well, I was gonna go with Rusev because creative is spending so much time on him and they kind of have to rebuild him since John Cena beat him 3 straight times. However, Rusev is hurt and as it stands, it looks like he’s not gonna be in the chamber. There’s no way R-Truth wins, so, we can throw his ass out of the equation. Although he’s been losing a lot recently which is utterly stupid because he’s coming off a big career accomplishment, King Barrett already has the King of the Ring title so giving him another one would be stupid. Dolph has been the IC Champ 400 times it seems like so, its been there and done that. Ryback can’t fucking work. But, if they want to go with the notion of having 2 faces as the IC/US Champions, he would make the most since. Still, he sucks and is a meathead. I think its Sheamus. They have been pushing him a lot as the bully and he’s never won the IC belt. I think he’s been hot lately and it should go to him.
Kevin Owens (NXT Champion) vs. John Cena (United States Champion)
Luke: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS HAPPENING. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.
Wrestling die-hards will be united in hopes that NXT champion (and indy darling) Kevin Owens will prevail, or at least look strong, against United States champion and WWE Superman John Cena. That’s a tall order and I don’t expect WWE to pull the trigger on an Owens victory without any signs of a full-time call-up coming soon, but Triple H is very protective of NXT and WWE has done a tremendous job of letting Owens be Owens (or Steen, if you prefer). They’ve let him keep all the aspects of his character that make him stand out – his untraditional ring gear, his plain speaking style, his in-ring dominance.
I think Owens will look strong and we’ll get more to cheer than just him kicking out of the AA. I don’t exactly what it will be, but I’m damn excited to find out. It’s not like WWE would bring up their NXT champion just to roll them up for a loss three minutes into their debut match, right?
My pick: Either Cena wins on a distraction, or the match ends in DQ/countout. I don’t think we’ll see a clean finish.
Joe: Since WWE is only airing this event on the Network, it would be smart to really cater to the mark fans since they are the ones who primarily have the network. This is an Internet Mark dream match here. Everyone loves Kevin Owens. He’s awesome and after he stomped on John Cena’s US belt..not once…but twice…I put down 25 bucks to buy his KO T-shirt. He rocks! Wrestling 101 says Owens should win since Cena is already over and established. However, we know WWE won’t do that because Cena is the golden boy and we can’t possibly have some stupid 8-year-old cry because he lost the US Title. Yeah..fuck the PG Era.
I don’t wanna hear how Cena beating someone will make them better. That’s fucking bullshit. Go ask Sandow how he did when he lost to Cena after cashing in MITB. Bray Wyatt was fricken white hot last year at this time and he lost to Cena and had a Bullshit feud with Jericho. I think Rusev has lost some steam as he’s now doing some bullshit breakup story that no one wants to see because Lana/Him are an awesome dynamic.
In a perfect world that would satisfy Cena fans and Vince’s boner for keeping him as the golden ticket, I’d have Cena beat Owens and then have KO beat the living shit out of him after the match. Just bully him into submission and then take Cena off TV for a month. Then, have Owens actually do a US title open program on Raw. Owens gimmick is that he’s a bully. Have him just say “Fuck it! I’m gonna take Cena’s belt and defend it because I just feel like it and there’s nothing anyone at the WWE can say to stop me because I am an asshole!” Then have Cena return and have a grudge match.
However, it won’t go down that way. I think Cena wins because he always does.
Triple Threat Match for the WWE Divas Championship: Nikki Bella (c) vs. Paige vs. Naomi
Luke: The women’s division is a mess right now. The heel and face alignments never make sense and flip at random. The disparity between the best wrestlers, like Paige and Natty, and the worst, like Tamina and Brie Bella, is enormous. And apparently #GiveDivasAChance just meant “MOAR BELLAS.”
Anyway, Paige just returned from a storyline injury caused by Naomi, and I think they can milk that some more before adding the championship into the mix. I’ll pick Nikki to retain and Brie to yell “Come on, Nikki!” no fewer than 37 times. I may just rewatch the Sasha Banks-Becky Lynch match from NXT: TakeOver R-Evolution Unstoppable Arrival Great American Backlash In Your House (or whatever it was called) instead.
Joe: I don’t care. The Bella Twins are fricken awful and only have jobs because of who they blow. The end. Watch the NXT girls. They are way better in the ring and at cutting promos. Until the Bella Twins stop being used as the face of the divas, the division will blow because they suck at working and they are terrible at cutting promos. For God sakes, even when Brie had to cut a promo about her real life husband having to possibly retire (Not kayfabe), she fucking sucked at it. ITS REAL LIFE!
WWE World Heavyweight Championship match: Seth Rollins (c) vs. Dean Ambrose
Luke: There’s potential for greatness here. Rollins and Ambrose made the most out of WWE’s lamest match stipulation last year – the lumberjack match – and had an entertaining brawl in Hell in a Cell. They have good chemistry and their styles contrast beautifully – Rollins as the calculating, cautious wrestler and Ambrose as a tornado of blind, unthinking violence.
We should be expecting a classic, and yet I find myself struggling to care. There’s something about Ambrose that just hasn’t clicked since Hell in a Cell. Maybe he’s lost too many times, maybe WWE found the limits of his “lunatic” character earlier than expected, or maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s not him at all and I’m just bored with the Authority storyline and think Rollins took the “cowardly heel champion” schtick too far.
Regardless, I’m picking Rollins, no doubt with ludicrous amounts of outside interference and cheating.
Overall, Elimination Chamber has shaped up to be a can’t-miss event. Owens vs. Cena is a huge match for wrestling fans, and four title matches, including one for a vacant championship, certainly add intrigue as well. I’ll complain about some of the booking that got us here, but I’m ready for a great show. Tear down the house, WWE.
Joe: This should be a fun match. Ambrose and Rollins are very unconventional in the ring when they work and that’s why it makes for a good wrestling match. However, I still think they can work on Ambrose’s character a bit. He’s too campy right now with putting on cop outfits and doing all this stupid shit a comedy act would do. If WWE wants to book him properly, watch old Brian Pillman promos or matches. He just needs more of an maniacal edge to him. As for Rollins, I dig the chickenshit heel champion and I think he’s got it all. There’s no way they pull the plug on him. Rollins wins.