Suckers!

Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced his resignation as CEO of Apple late today, announcing he has activated the “Endgame Protocol” which will render all Apple products (including the popular iPhone and iPad devices) useless. Said Jobs:

“Without my active guidance and wisdom in running this company and the innovation I foster, might as well destroy all the overpriced shit you bought. Although a visionary genius, I’ve always had contempt for the average consumer, and hope you all realize how much you relied on one man to satisfy your gadget needs, and the distraction from the real problems we as a civilization face, due to you slobs slinging “Angry Birds” across one of our high resolution touch screens. And while I can’t take it with me, I’ll make sure none of you can have it when I’m gone. Adios, mo-fo’s…”

New Apple CEO Tim Cook states that the destruction of all Apple products may take some time to roll out, and he asks that people “update iTunes” to ensure you will have your products destroyed in a timely fashion.

Apple stock plummeted to a penny, because Wall Street is run by jumpy assholes…