I always tend to grow a little wiser when it comes to our football team after returning from Buffalo. I was there for the last 5 days and stupidly decided to stay an extra day to watch the Bills play. I just enjoy watching them with my friends and family than at a sports bar in NYC. The problem is that I enjoy my friends much more than the actual football team.
I was reminded about how stupid that decision was when I took a pink eye train from Buffalo to NYC at 3am Monday morning. The regrettable decision was drilled into my head while sitting next to Fat Albert and in front of me, another person who decided to have the largest amount of onions on their sub at 7am.
It smelled about as bad as the Bills have played over the last 13 years.
With that, I'm never staying an extra day to watch a Bills' game again. To think, this was suppose to be a must-win game for a 4-6 team. Only in Buffalo. In other markets, a team that was 4-6 would be met with "Fuck the run to the playoffs and let's kill off Rex Ryan."
Could things get worse? Absolutely.
We are a boring ass football team and we are about to embark onto the part of the schedule with equally boring ass teams for us to play against. It is great to play crappy teams when you are trying to make the playoffs. It is the exact opposite to watch crappy football with nothing at stake besides um… pride or losing a high draft pick. That's pretty much what we have for the next month or so.
This week, the pesky 2-9 Jaguars are coming to town. Mike Mularkey, Chad Henne, Poz and about 50,000 fans probably in attendance.
The subplots are about as exciting as a new NBC Sitcom starring the rejects from Seinfeld.
Six wins between them and about two playoff appearances between them over the last dozen years. This game is going to suck major (Insert animal or person you hate) balls.
Of course, being the gluttony for punishment kind of guy I am, I'd thought it would be therapeutic in a Jigsaw Killer (The Villain in the Saw movies) kind of way to go down memory lane to see just how bad these games have been. Seriously, it seems like we always get a Browns or Chiefs game towards the end of the season that just makes me embarrassed to call this America's #1 sport.
Here are your top 5 toilet bowl games I've watched as a Bills fan:
5) January 1st, 2006: Bills (4-11) vs. New York Jets (3-12)
Happy New Years! How about a crappy game to enhance your hangover? Kelly Holcomb vs. Brooks Bollinger? Who in the 7 hells is a Brooks Bollinger? Sounds like a backpack company. Both QBs combined for 4 interceptions..Alright, they were all from Holcomb. This was the last time we ever saw a Tom Donahoe/Mike Mularkey team. Oh, the end of a crappy era to lead into another crappy era (Jauron/Levy)…the saga continues to this day. Oh, the Bills lost, 26-30.
4) December 9th, 2001: Bills (1-10) vs. Panthers (1-10)
This has to be the lowest win total between two teams in December ever!! I was actually a sports intern at channel 2 and had the displeasure of logging (Marking down the highlights) this epic classic with a severe hangover to boot. This game gave me a bigger headache than the 8 long Island Ice Teas the night before. Chris Weinke vs. Alex Van Pelt. Need I say more? It was actually an entertaining game, as the Bills came back from a 24-6 deficit. But still…Weinke vs Van Pelt? Bills won, 25-24. BTW, had the Bills lost this game, the Panthers and Bills would have switched draft positions. Say hello to Julius Peppers instead of Mike Williams?
3) December 13th, 2009: Bills (4-8) vs. Chiefs (3-9)
You might be thinking…"When the hell did this game happen?" Funny, but it was against the same starting QBs (Fitz and Cassel) that we saw earlier this season between both these teams. However, the coaches were different. Todd Haley vs. Perry Fewell. Cassel had 4 picks and T.O had a touchdown. The Bills won with having only 86 yards passing. Yes..86 YARDS!! Bills won, 16-10.
2) October 20th, 1997: Bills (3-3) at Colts (0-6)
Wanna know why the Bills aren't on Monday night football? Maybe this was the game that told networks not to bother with us. It was the year after Jim Kelly retired and the Bills were lead by Todd Collins. Don't let the 3-3 respectable record fool you, the Bills were terrible this season. In their war path was the 0-6 Colts lead by an over-the-hill Jim Harbaugh and Paul Justin. This was a fricken clunker. It was the first game I actually fell asleep watching. I just remember seeing the Bills trying two fade passes in a row to Quinn Early -who was wide open in the back of the end zone- and both times, Collins overthrew him. It was two terrible offenses and just no star power what so ever. Sure, the big 3 were still around, but they may as well have been representing the old timers day for the Bills. Total yards: 246 to 238. No touchdowns. All field goals. Bills win, 9-6. After that season, the Bills had been on Monday night football only 4 times and just once between 1998-2006.
1) Sunday October 4th, 2009: Bills (1-3) vs. Browns (0-4)
Ah, yes. The Cleveland game. This was the game that officially made me not believe in the T.O. Experiment. It also made me want to tar and feather Dick Jauron and Trent Edwards. 16 punts between both teams and once again, no touchdowns. Tied at 3 in this classic, the Bills lose the game after Roscoe Parrish muffed a punt with less than 3 minutes to go. Thank God it ended it. Seriously, the way both these offenses played, the game could have ended in a 3-3 tie and it would have definitely made the ESPN annals of worst ties in history.