It has been a while since I've taken every single one of my human particles that are deemed to be nice and turned them into full rage in order to write a post dedicated towards the hatred of the Bills' opponent. I think Mick Foley coined the phrase "Going to Promoland" when he morphed into the sadistic Cactus Jack. Well, I'm feeling like going to that mystical land of venom today and Carolina is about to feel my wrath. Here are my five reasons to hate the Carolina Panthers…
5) The 1995 Carolina Panthers- For about 15 minutes, the Panthers were pretty much the Bills of the mid-south. After Ralph Wilson fired Bill Polian [Shakes fist at the sky] in 1993, he ended up going down to Carolina to head up the expansion team. He brought in Frank Reich, Carlton Bailey, Don Beebe and Pete Metzelaars. I'll always remember that 2nd game of the 95' season when it was just weird to see so many familiar faces across the sideline. It kind of symbolized in a way how NFL FA was here and that the Bills were being poached by other teams.
4) Dickhead rich owners- I hate rich people. Especially old rich people. From Jerry Jones having his glasses cleaned on national TV by one of his minions to Dan Snyder defending the use of the Redskins name. All NFL owners can get off my lawn.This guy in Carolina who owns the team goes by the name of Jerry Richardson. Just by looking at his photo this clown is cut from the same cloth of too much money and too much of a Mr. McGoo persona in him. He is also on par with Ralph with making dubious personnel decisions like firing Bill Polian a year after he Panthers went to the NFC Title game. Also, he reportedly was a dick during the lockout to Peyton Manning and Drew Brees in a meeting. I mean, how can you be dicks to those two guys? On top of that, this jack off told Cam Newton that he didn't like him having tattoos or piercings. Seriously? I wonder how he threatens to throw people off his lawn…does he hose them down with water coming from his moat or pour hot tar on them from his castle balcony?
3) Charlotte…Next to Atlanta, The 2nd worst big city sports town ever- Everyone knows for every 6 Charlotteans, there are like 10 ex-pats from Buffalo living there. Maybe the influx of ex-pats has a lot to do with the city being such a giant yawn when it comes to their professional sports. You'd think it would be better when you consider that Charlotte is ranked as the 23rd largest city in the country, but the region just has this stench of carpetbagging when it comes to their teams. You got teams leaving (Hornets) and then you got teams returning (Bobcats). Then you got their neighbors in Raleigh stealing the Whalers from Hartford (More on them later) and rumors about the longterm future of the Panthers. Also, who is like the Mr. Charlotte when it comes to their professional sports teams? Kerry Collins? Larry Johnson? Jake Delhomme? Whoever the hell is the best player on the Bobcats? I don't even wanna bring up Rae Carruth. You thought OJ was an asshole, this guy takes the cake. They have no one! At least we have some professional sports HOFs who spent their whole careers here. It is all about Coach K and Ric Flair's drunk ass. Oh, and fuck NASCAR.
2) Fucking up our draft plans- This is probably the only football related item to get worked up about with the Bills/Panthers. I remember being a sports intern at WGRZ in 2001 and having the God awful responsibility to log the highlights while watching the Bills take on the Panthers. If you were to combine the record of both teams heading into this game, it was probably the worst winning percentage (Both teams were 1-11) of any matchup at that juncture in the regular season ever!!! The game was surprisingly entertaining as the Bills pulled off a 25-24 win. However, they doomed themselves when in came to the draft. Because of the win, the Bills had the 4th pick instead of the 2nd pick. The Panthers selected Julius Peppers and the Bills went with Mike Williams. UGH!! Talk about a GIANT what if?!! How about the 2011 draft? The Bills had the 3rd pick while the Panthers had the 1st, I know it is still early, but wouldn't you rather have Cam Newton over Marcell Dareus? It always seems like when the Bills are trying to suck for a top pick, the Panthers are doing it better by sucking more!
1) Carolina Hurricanes- This happens to me at least once a month while living in NYC. I get one person always thinking that Buffalo is like an hour away from NYC or is a part of the NYC region. They are just so inept when it comes to their geography. So, even though Raleigh isn't a part of Charlotte, I'm going to use the idiotic mindset of the dumb ass people who don't know that Buffalo is 8 hours away from NYC to destroy the Carolina Hurricanes. I mean, fuck it. The Panthers and Hurricanes are stupid enough to not have their team name be after the city they play in…AND can't even have the geographical sense to even mention what stupid Carolina state they are in! North, South, East, Flair country, NASCAR COUNTRY?! WHY AM I YELLING?!. Anyways, let's bottom line this: When I say the world "Carolina"…9-10 Buffalonians will finish it with "Carolina Hurricanes can fucken go to hell." Reason enough for me.
Now for Twitter's finest:
@buffalowins Hate Carolina because of all the OBX stickers on cars around here. I have no idea if this is close to Charlotte, but still.
— The Lonely Haikuer (@BuffSportsHaiku) September 12, 2013
@BuffaloWins BECAUSE THEU GOT TO A SUPERBOWL WITH JAKE DELHOMME AND LOST (well, duh) TO THE PATS, ENABLING THEM FOR ANOTHER RING.
— Korey D. Carlson (@kdcarlson15) September 12, 2013
— Cody L (@c_lampman) September 12, 2013
@BuffaloWins they have a lot more good bbq joints than buffalo, that's all I got for now
— Timothy Then (@TimNThen) September 12, 2013
— Dave (@davekellywny) September 12, 2013
@BuffaloWins They didn't beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl when I really wanted them to. That's all I got.
— Jeremy Kornbluth (@Truthbluth) September 12, 2013
@BuffaloWins SEKERA THINKS THEY'RE BETTER
— charles_lexner (@lexnercj) September 12, 2013
— Rob Tuning (@Buffalo_sauced) September 12, 2013
— Go Bills (@loyal2buffalo) September 12, 2013
— Andrew Farrell (@andrewj_farrell) September 12, 2013
@BuffaloWins all anyone cares about down here is college football. Plus, have you seen their "lazy-eye" logo?
— Dyson Enthusiast (@tom_j_lee) September 12, 2013
@BuffaloWins He Hate Me
— Andy Provin (@AndyProvin) September 12, 2013
@BuffaloWins because it's the prime destination of every ex-Buffalonian not tough enough to make it here
— ace (@emjay716) September 12, 2013
@BuffaloWins They stole Polian, Metzelaars, Reich, Beebe, and Bailey from us!
— ces715 (@ces715) September 12, 2013
@BuffaloWins my carolina chops are weak. astounding amounts of confederate flags in western blue ridge mountains. i could hate that.
— Sports Rock Gods (@jambrones) September 12, 2013
— boner shorts (@Boner_Shorts) September 12, 2013
@BuffaloWins charlotte lost their shit when delhomme got cut, not because of football acumen, but because WHO WILL BE THE NEW BOJANGLES GUY
— Frank (@fgif) September 13, 2013